confused

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Hello there, everyone, I'm new around here, and the main reason I joined was to share my background. I have a lot of muddled thoughts about who I am, and I have no idea where I stand with regard to my sexuality. I am a lady of 19 years old, and I have spent the entirety of my life under the impression that I was straight. In high school, I had multiple lovers, but everytime we became sexual, I became quite anxious and couldn't enjoy the experience to the fullest. It's possible that this is typical, but anytime things were very severe, I would practically start shaking from worry. I didn't start having sexual connections until much later in life, and it wasn't until I had a lover that I felt completely at ease having sexual encounters with him. Throughout my whole life, though, while I'm masturbating, I find myself daydreaming about ladies. However, as of late, I've started having increasingly vivid fantasies, and in them, I find myself seeing myself engaged in sexual actions with certain women that I know. When I'm sober, the thought of initiating physical contact with another woman gives me the heebie-jeebies, but when I've been drinking, I discover that I'm only drawn to women, and when I'm drunk, I feel like I can't get enough of them. In addition, I do not necessarily feel that I am attracted to women in general; rather, I find that I am drawn to certain persons in my life who may or may not be active in my life. My inquiry is this: has anybody else encountered circumstances like to this? I have always considered myself to be straight, but now I'm not really sure if that's still the case or if I even want to act out some of my dreams by having sexual encounters with women. In addition, I have the impression that "experimenting" will only result in damaged sentiments between myself and any lady who is interested in pursuing me. How can I be sure that I am not putting anybody else in danger while I am "testing the waters"?

Many thanks to you all!
 
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The pleasure is all mine! Since you are just 19, it is a little bit difficult to tell. It's probably just plain old curiosity, nothing more. It's possible they're bisexual as well. I have this thing where, despite the fact that I'm homosexual, I have these bizarre attractions to women when I've gotten to know them really well and we have something in common that makes us click in a particular manner. It's happened to me a few times more since I came out, but each time it makes me question who I am and why I am the way I am. I have no doubt in my mind that you might have a wonderful affair with a woman who is open-minded and can take things at face value. I don't claim to be an expert, but based on my experience, I've found that there are a lot more women than men who are eager to experiment with homosexual actions. Take care, and I really hope the forums turn out to be a fruitful niche for you!
 

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